I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
