Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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