If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
