They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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