she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
