And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
