Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
