Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
