I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
