I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
