Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
