Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
