chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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