the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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