There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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