Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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