Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
