dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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