He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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