Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
