I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
