im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
