My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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