My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
