I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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