I wish I could teleport
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
