I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
