happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
