I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
