Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
