I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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