I will die if light touches me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
