There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
