dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize