Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
