google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
