This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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