Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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