Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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