I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize