We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
