so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
