Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Randomize
