I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
