i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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