recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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