Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
try to milk me bitch
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