my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
