Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
