i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
