This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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