Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
