The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
