just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
