After last night, I could never be a politician.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
