woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
