is your mom at the bar?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Welp...herpes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
